There is more wrong with me than I let myself believe

They say "the Lord never gives you more that you can handle", but I couldn't help think that this time he was cutting it very close when I opened my email about a week ago, at 11:25pm and noticed one from an estranged friend.

WHAT???

Right! 


I'm pretty sure all the blood in my face drained away.
I was the black equivalent of white as a ghost - if that's even possible.
I mean, nothing says PANIC like when you say "Lord your will be done" and he say "Okay, in that case..."



To be honest I didn't really know what to think, what to say, how to react. A part of me was relieved, happy even, because for the past 6 months I had spent many sleepless nights analyzing our relationship, praying about it, and trying to figure out where it began to go wrong - wondering "what could I have done to prevent it?" This appeared to be the prime opportunity to get some of the answers I needed.

 Another part of me was panicked, angry, frustrated, because for the past 6 months I had spent many sleepless nights analyzing our relationship and learning to let it go. I wasn't (still really am not) ready for bringing up the past. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but for many days, the feelings of panic and frustrating won, and in many ways I wanted to find a reason to stay angry.

I've learned in the past week that nothing is more painful than thinking you've gotten over something and moved on (even though you really haven't), and God reminding you that in order for you to grow and move forward you need to go back and address it.


Anywhooo, after a few days of insomnia and tears - when I got over my need to be bitter and angry and started thinking like the mature adult the past 4 years of College had shaped me into - I found myself doing some reflection, and asking myself some questions about what was so difficult about talking to him again and addressing our past. I came to this conclusion:

My fear for this conversation comes from a recognition that there is so much weight in our shared story. So much has happened over the past 4 years; things that have shaped me into the woman I am now. 3 of the past 4 years have revolved around my love, adoration, frustration and whatever else you want to call it, for this kid. My fear of revisiting those years does not, however come from the love I have for him. That isn't the reason why I'm so terrified of seeing him and talking with him.

My fear is that in talking to him, I will see our relationship with his lenses, and see the places I faltered - the places I failed him as a friend. I am so afraid that when we sit down and talk about everything, I'll see that I wasn't as great a friend as I thought I was, and in recognizing this, somehow the experiences of the past 4 years will be invalidated. I am terrified that I'll come out of that conversation realizing that there is more wrong with me than I let myself believe.


But I can't help but think, isn't that the problem with me? And isn't that, in such a strange way, what Jesus died for? This lack of humility and recognition of  my shortcomings is exactly what Jesus died for - To show people like me, that even with our feelings of self-righteousness he still loves us. I don't know if that makes any sense because if my mind it does, but in reality you might be wonder "what???"

I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much that (even with all my imperfections, my delusions of perfection and my unwillingness to see me for who I really am) he was willing to give his life, so that I might have life through him.  It is forever amazing to me... I don't really know what I'm going to do with my impending doom (aka the upcoming conversation), but I am glad I have such an amazing God. A God who will guide me through it and help me fix what I've done wrong.